My beloved Kukudom,
I greet you all in the name of the flying spaghetti monstor. How have you been ? I hope that by now you have given up on those new years resolutions because you have realizedthat your vices are mightier than you.
You are seeing this entry simply because I emerged triumphant in a bloody brawl with the reigning dark Lord of laziness and his indefatigable foot soldiers of perpetual distraction. Otherwise, I have been in decent shape doing what I do all year around. Sleeping at my day job and scouring the internet for get rich quick schemes in the deep night.
In the last few lectures, after detailing what a bad hug consists of, I am finally happy to rid the world of bad hugs once and for all by writing a final instruction on the delicate art. And without further ado, I will plunge into it.
The sentiment behind the hug.
Every good hug has its roots in a warm sentiment in the mind of the hug donor towards the recipient. You have got to tap into that bed of feelings whether they are platonic or amorous and let them guide you. It could be feelings of delight at the sight of the person or bitter sweet feelings at the moment of parting; these are the common feelings one is likely to have for people with whom they are acquainted. These feelings when tapped into will infuse the warmth into the action and make it pleasant for the parties involved. However if you find yourself in a situation where you have to hug a person for whom you feel no emotional attachment whatsoever, say for instance people you have just met at a gathering or at a party, randoms with whom you have only shared mutual friends and oxygen so far. With no warm feels towards these people, you will have to go through the hug motions that fabricate warmth. Which brings me to the physical aspect of things.
The compass direction of the limbs.
The direction of the arms depend on a few things. Height, size and nature of relationship of the hugging parties.
In the instance where one person is just a few inches taller than the other or the same height, you can’t go wrong if each party opens their arms in the fashion of the compass direction, where each person’s arms are held out diagonally, with one limb facing the north east and the other limb facing the south west. Then, in order to fit like a neat little jigsaw, the other party’s arms will stretched out to face the North east and south east. The initiator of the hug is the one who gives a cue on where the arms go when he opens his arms. (This is a manual for boys/men hence the pronoun.)
In the instance where the guy is a giant and the girl a midget.
If tiptoeing and hunching makes things uncomfortable then, the warmest hug position maybe the one where the guy’s arms go around the upper back and the girl’s arms go a round the upper torso and then the cheek rests on the hug donor’s torso or chest. I will move on from this because I am beginning to sound like an instructor on sex.
In the instance where a girl is a giant and the guy a midget.
This is tricky. You cannot follow the previous model because a guy resting his head on a woman’s stomach or bosom may be filed in the offensive section. There is no solution except for the girl to graciously lower herself, by bending her knees a little until they reach head level with the guy and have their hug.
There is a kind of hugging that may be limited to people who are dating or having an amorous relationship. That is where a girl wraps their arms around the neck of a guy and a guy puts their arms around the lower part of a girl’s waist. I mean its not written anywhere that only heterosexual couples who are dating should have this hug but it may be too intimate for friends, or newly acquainted people.
The position of the heads.
Ever been caught in that awkward moment where you get into a hug and your heads do an awkward dance before you find where to put them? Or even worse, have a head on collision where your foreheads bang so hard bright sparks fly. Well this has to be intuitive but in order to avoid this, the initiator of a hug may have to keep their head in a neutral place until the recipient of the hug has found a direction to put their head and then let your neck accommodate it. Otherwise if you sway your head to the east too quickly when it is what the other person had in mind, then this is how your craniums will launch into the bachata dance. And unlike the synchronised swing of hips of Bachata dancers, the Bachata of heads is ridiculous.So once the heads are in place and the arms are in place, the next motions are what communicate warmth.
The wrap is where after pulling someone into an embrace you wrap your arms around them as far as best as your skeletal and muscle construction can permit. This sounds obvious but I have been in too many hugs where people hug you but do not really have full contact with you. When with their arms, they construct a trench of air between you and them that puts are inside their embrace but not into contact with them. I refer you to the previous post where I talk about the types of crappy hugs. When you are hugging someone, it is a full body affair so, wrap your arms around them completely and be felt or go home. I find it offensive when I have this moat of air, this teensy lagoon of air between me and someone I am supposed to be hugging. In that little lagoon of air floats huge questions like, whether I am fragrant in a way that is unpleasant or whether this person’s friendship or love is genuine. So remove all doubts and questions by filling that vacuum. People try to distract people from the fact that they are not hugging them fully by rubbing their backs or patting them or babbling on about the things that their hug is not communicating, but some of us are not fooled. We can see through your schtick. However, just some clarification on the “pat-pat” and the little rubs while hugging; these are not bad things in themselves but they should not be used to substitute warmth in a hug.
The gentle squeeze.
And finally the cheese to this macaroni is the gentle squeeze. This is the one thing that distinguishes good hug donors from bona fide hug donors. This is the one little action that communicates the sentiment beneath the hug. The gentle squeeze says, It’s been long.” I will miss you. Take good care. I am really happy to see you. I love you. You will be okay.
The gentle squeeze can take from half a minute to however long you can sustain it and remember, its gentle. Its just a few seconds or more of extra pressure placed on the other person. Its gentle enough not to kill but hard enough to be felt.
That is basically a great hug for you and now for the other questions in the previous comments.
Duration of the hug.
I think for people who are not so well acquainted with each other it should be as brief as 5-10 seconds. It can be 1 minute and beyond depending on the nature of people’s friendship and the reason behind the hug. Hugs meant to console the hurting should last long I believe. Lasting until any crying has stopped or abated or the person has calmed down.
To squeeze or not to squeeze butts.
This site and the administrator of this site cannot give you lease to squeeze the butt of your interest, only the person attached to that butt can, so I guess it would be polite to ask for permission from the owner of butt. Otherwise, squeezing butts of unwilling or unsuspecting people is a felony.
To sniff or not to sniff hair.
I don’t know fam, I guess there is no harm in this, if there is consent before hand.
Those where the questions I received in the comments of the previous posts, and I have addressed them as best as I can. As I approach the end, I will end on a note explaining why I make a fuss out of the hug. I guess for me it comes from what I have learnt to associate hugs with from the way my mother hugs me.
For mother and I, the bulk of all things communicable and non communicable is loaded into a hug. When we see each other after a long time, we hug each other closely to make up for all the time lost while we were apart.
My mother hugs me to affirm that I am there in the flesh. And when we are parting like when I have to go away for another month of work far away from her, before I leave, she says, come here and let me embrace you first. And when we embrace, we each take turns in saying; “May God keep you for me my beloved until I see you again.”
And this is where I come from when I hug people. Hugs for me are my way of affirming your presence and compensating for the time we have been physically apart at the time of reuniting. And at the time of parting, hugs are a form of prayer. A way of marking my people with my love, sending a plea to providence to look after them and save them for me for another time. It’s also a way of having one last opportunity to be close to them and carrying that feeling of closeness with me.
Whomsoever hath reached the bottom of this post, is herewith awarded a Degree in the Art of Hugs and an infinite license to donate hugs to the female masses from the Prestigious University of the Headless Chicken. Congratulations to y’all valedictorians and all the best.
Till next time, I remain.
That birdie with no head.